The Outsider's View of the “Left Behind” Gravy Train

The Left Behind books were a cultural phenomenon twenty-plus years ago and are being talked about again because the rapture is predicted to happen tomorrow (?) so here is what comes to mind every time I hear “Left Behind.”

In 2001, I graduated college and stayed in my college town to live with friends and hopefully find a job. I had majored in English, so I applied for entry level stuff at nearby publishers and newspapers (ha!). Didn’t get anything, not even the $8 an hour internship at a small newspaper.

I signed up to substitute teach in the public school district, but they didn’t call me every day, so I supplemented my income by going to the “job board.” The job board was a physical bulletin board at my alma mater located outside the “Career Services” office. That’s right, not only could you go in that office and receive counsel on your career (they proofread my resumé once), you (current students and alums) could also pursue actual job opportunities on the job board!

3x5 cards were thumbtacked all over the board. Each card was a job posted by someone in the community. Job description, pay (sometimes), and a phone number were given. If you wanted the job, you called the number.

It was either babysitting stuff or yard work. Maybe something like “help me move a heavy desk.” Once I went into someone’s house and bagged stacks of newspapers and miscellaneous papers and hauled them out to the curb (it was way too much to fit in the recycling bin).

One lady I helped quite often was named Judy and I found her on the job board. She had me do yard work and outside window washing, and after the first time I went, she approved of my work and would call me whenever she needed help.

The normal pay on these jobs was $8 an hour, but she paid $7.00.  

I would pick up leaves (using a really weird contraption she had, but I won’t bore you with the details except to say a rake would have taken less time) and cut the grass. Sometimes I’d get up on a step ladder and wash the windows of her one-story brick bungalow.

While I washed the outside, she washed the inside and if any spot or smudge was left we’d have to figure out whose side it was on. Also, while I wiped, the cat would be right at the window mirroring my every motion from the inside with her paw. So those windows got a lot of TLC.

After a few hours of work, she would offer me something to eat and chat me up for a while before handing over a check for $14 or $21 or $28. She told me about her divorce and how her daughter (a fancy lawyer) gave her an Acura for free and about all the vitamins and supplements she took. She thought echinacea was the greatest thing ever but I never understood what it did.

One time, while I was at her kitchen table eating the snack she offered (a bowl of cottage cheese with a canned half of peach on top), she went to her freezer and pulled out a stiff Ziploc bag. It had what looked like a couple pieces of driveway gravel at the bottom. She informed me these were the kidney stones they took out of her during a recent surgery. They looked rather large and I understood why they didn’t try to have her pass them.

The main thing she talked about, though, was how she worked at Tyndale (a local publisher) as a copy editor. Even though she knew I’d been an English major, she never said, “Oh, I’ll keep you posted about jobs,” or anything like that. Which is fine.

But at that time the Left Behind series of novels (published by Tyndale) was really taking off. I’ve never read it but it was selling huge numbers of copies and it’s all about the end of the world, the antichrist, and Jesus returning to earth, from what I understand.

Tyndale had never had a hit like this before. And it was doing so well, Judy said, one day they just handed out $10,000 bonus checks to every employee. I thought that was pretty impressive.

She also informed me one time that they had a new Bible translation coming out called the New Living Translation. And would I like a copy? She just happened to have a copy from the warehouse that couldn’t be sold because it was damaged.

I said, “Sure,” even though I already had a nice Bible. I figured I’d check out the new translation, at least. That day, in lieu of the $28 check I was expecting, she sent me home with a brand new damaged Bible. And I don’t think I went back to Judy’s house more than once or twice after that. She did pay me every time except that one.

The cottage cheese and peach was actually kind of good, though.

The New Living Translation stunk and still stinks. And the Bible was a hardcover, which, come on… you’re supposed to be able to lay that bad boy open and it’ll stay open while you sip your coffee and gulp down your echinacea.

The leaf contraption. As you push it forward, a wheel with plastic bristles on the front spins and sweeps leaves up into the air (supposedly) and they land in a canvas pouch. In reality, the spinning bristles often fail to grab the leaves and you just have to pick the leaves up by hand and put them into the pouch.