If Trump had been president instead of George Washington

Donald Trump’s leadership makes you appreciate other leaders we’ve had, however flawed they may have been. Just imagine if Trump had been president instead of these people:

George Washington: Let the mob have their Whiskey Rebellion. They’re upset about the taxes they have to pay. I’d be upset, too. That’s money they could invest back into the economy. Instead of what? Giving it to the government? They could be investing in new hotels. Or new condo buildings. Overlooking the Delaware River, for example. It’s a beautiful river. It’s unbelievable. The king of England was looking at building a palace on that river. Not anymore, of course. I think you know why. Yeah, remember that war? We won it by a landslide. It wasn’t even close.

Thomas Jefferson: Why should we buy the Louisiana Territory? People say it’s very swampy. What about Greenland? Wouldn’t it be nice to own Greenland?

Abraham Lincoln: The slave owners are very fine people. They’ve been nice to me. And the states they’re in? A lot of electoral votes. Good people. In fact, I’ve got a rally coming up pretty soon in Richmond, Virginia. “Capital of the Confederacy,” they say. So we’ll see what happens.

Woodrow Wilson: Flu season. We have the flu season every year. Why should 1918 be any different? We have to keep our country open. If we ignore the virus, it’ll go away. Like a miracle. It’s just the flu. If people are really worried about it, maybe they could inject some disinfectant into their body. Almost a cleaning. Can we look into that?

Teddy Roosevelt: I’ll leave the big monopolies alone. These are job creators. These are great American companies. I’d like them to do me some favors, though. They need to say nice things about me. They need to give money to my inaugural committee. They need to stay at my hotels. If they do that, I’ll take care of them. And it’s not a quid pro quo. It’s a perfect conversation. These are things I’d like to see happen. It’s what I do. I negotiate. 

Franklin Roosevelt: Why fight the Germans? I’d like to have a good relationship with them. World War II? It’s like two kids in a lot. You gotta let ‘em fight.

John F. Kennedy: The Russians are setting up missiles in Cuba? I’ll visit Khrushchev, shake his hand, and I’ll ask him not to do that. If he decides to set up the missiles anyway, I’ll just let him. I trust the guy. After all, he wrote me beautiful letters. We fell in love. 

Lyndon Johnson: What are these sit-ins I’m hearing about? Bus boycotts? Freedom marches? I’d say to every one of those sons of b-----s, “You’re fired!”

George H.W. Bush: He’s a very strong leader, Saddam Hussein. And you have to be. I just spoke with him on the phone. He denied that he invaded Kuwait. He was very strong and powerful in his denial. And you want to talk about the stuff he does inside his country? To some of his own people? C’mon. There are a lot of killers in the world. You think our country is so innocent?

Barack Obama: If the governors want to do something to stop Ebola, they can. It’s up to the states to decide. The federal government is a backup. If the governors don’t want to do anything, then we just let the virus run its course. Anyway, a lot of people think it goes away in April with the heat. As the heat comes in. In the meantime, I’m shutting down immigration completely. That way, we’ll never have this problem again. Cut out immigration, you keep the virus out. I’m telling you, we have to close down our country. Except for travelers who want to come in and visit my hotels and golf courses. 

It’s difficult to find silver linings to the Trump presidency, but here’s one: at least he wasn’t in charge before 2017.