40 is going to take some getting used to. So to help me begin to wrap my mind around that number, I figure I’ll share 40 memories from my life.
Harvard Denied Me Even Though I Wrote Them This Amazing Apology Letter. Waaaaah!
“How can you punish me for something I don’t even remember?”
Dear Truck Makers of the World, Why Don't You Ever Show Us the Rugged Things Your Trucks Can Do?
I just want to see the trucks in action for once. Key word to remember: RUGGED!
What Happens at Bike Week Stays at Bike Week-- Until Now!
“There goes the ambience!”
Why the Warriors Still Have a Chance
A lot of people are gearing up for a victory parade in Toronto right now. I say, “Not so fast.” The Warriors looked bad in Game 3, even worse last night in Game 4, but I still think they will win this series. Here’s why.
Sports Update: Ben Zobrist is the New "Milton" from "Office Space."
“First, Lumbergh had the accounting department stop giving Milton a paycheck. Then, he took away Milton's prized stapler. It was a Swingline.”
All I Really Need to Know About Politics I Learned During Bill Clinton’s Impeachment
Here are seven of the most enduring lessons I learned at that time. Once you’re finished reading them, you may go eat your pot roast.
I Could Care Less if You Follow My 10 Rules on How to Speak Correctly
“In a world of language relativism, I am here to offer 10 rock solid rules about how to speak correctly.”
The Parenting Police: How to Unlock Their Secret Code Language
“The Parenting Police have an important job to do. They never know what they’re going to run into on a daily basis, but you can rest assured they will be staring, glaring, and making astute comments when needed so that we can all, one day, become better parents.”
Hawk’s Online Reviews: My Terrible Dentist
The dentist told me I have a cavity. I don’t believe him. This is my story.
The Best Set of Baseball Cards Ever Made, Hands Down
Keep the cards, toss the gum.
I May or May Not Have Been Paid to Publish This "Game of Thrones" Puff Piece on My Blog
“Do you think that PETA has double checked yet to make sure that the furs the characters wear in the show are not real furs?”
Hey Everybody, Let's Fight the Vaccine Wars Every Day on Facebook!
“In any battle, you want to be optimally prepared and armed to the teeth. Especially when going up against Ted.”
The Parenting Books: Do You Really Need to Read Them?
It depends. Are you, by any chance, a high achieving parent who wants to raise a high achieving child?
Dear Final Four Coach, Get Your Dry Cleaning Endorsement Deal Ironed Out Now! (Pun Intended)
“Do something that’s never been done in the history of the Final Four.”
My 10 Commandments For Improving March Madness
“No drinks of Gatorade shall be handed out during timeouts if the time elapsed since the previous timeout has been less than one minute.”
List of Possible Responses to the Nurse Who’s Asking, "Are you 'Dad?'"
“No, I’m just the Uber driver. The boy’s mom is out in the car listening to the end of her podcast.”
The MAGA Hat Boy is Hiding the Mueller Report Underneath His MAGA Hat (And Other Unsubstantiated Rumors)
“The fracas on the National Mall was a manufactured incident, orchestrated by none other than Bob Mueller.”
Update on the World of Sports: Sports Are Currently Being Played in Many Places
Lebron James, Manny Machado, Cubs, White Sox, Bears, and a guy named Blewitt.